The facade is cracking.

To the outside world, I look the same.  I carry on as normal.  Always coping, and there to help out or support another.

Inside, I feel like pieces of me are disintegrating.  I'm falling apart, and I don't know if there's any glue strong enough to put me back together.  I'm tired, and I hurt - and not just in the physical sense.

I know I have been lucky, and have friends who have literally saved me from rock bottom, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I appreciate the helping hands, and the love and support that has been wrapped around me. 

I still feel alone.  I feel like I have failed.  And I have.  I can't see any way back.  And the current state of my mind and heart is torn and hurt and useless. 

I've let my children down, by not being able to provide for them as they need.  I've let my parents down by still being a burden to them, when I should be caring for them.   I've let my friends down by leaning on them in ways that I should never need to.  And I've let myself down for not being able to manage, and do it for myself. 

And in the depths of this despair, I have let them all down by not being able to find a way clear of this mess that calls itself my life.

Denial no longer is an option. 

School Holidays Are Almost Over

I love and adore my children, really I do.  But enough is enough.

I see so many mothers on FB lamenting the end of the holidays and the return of their darlings to school.  ARE THEY FOR REAL?

I have fun with my boys, we've been to parks, and swimming, and movies, and visited friends... but they (and I) are now going stir crazy.    There's only so many times you can watch movies (and of course they want to repeatedly watch THE SAME ONE) and only so many things to do at the local park, no matter how fabulous the park is.

Am I the only mother on the planet who freely admits to looking forward to the kids going back to school so that they are stimulated, I am able to do grown up stuff, and we ALL actually have something to talk about and share with each other?

Does this mean that I'm not a good mother?  Or that I don't adore my kids?  NO.  It means that I'm honest.  Kids are freaking HARD WORK.   Cleaning up with them in the house is like swimming upstream in a waterfall.   And they get bored.  School is designed to allow them to learn and explore without me having to answer "Why?" thousands of times in a day, or have to referee yet another dispute over whose turn it is to do ANYTHING.

I swear they could argue about who gets the most oxygen, some days.


Only another week to go, and I take them back to their school and hand them over to their teachers.

Oh crap, now I have to organise their school bags, and books in readiness.  *sigh*

Happily Ever After

I got my fairytale, and it was just how we wanted it to be.  We had a beautiful, simple, intimate ceremony with our children and a couple of close friends and family members.  The day was relaxed, enjoyable and the best part was that I married my best friend.

Now back to reality. Due to circumstances he is again overseas and I am once more missing my man.  This is just a small bump in the road compared to all that we have conquered previously, and all the happiness that awaits us.

And of course, my shoes were FABULOUS!

Nothing makes everything better like....

New shoes.

Children can have all their problems solved with a lolly or treat, but it's not quite that simple for adults... or is it.

I have come to the realisation, that while many women are emotional eaters, I am an emotional shoe shopper.  Buying other things just doesn't give me the same thrill and pleasure as a gorgeous pair of shoes, with the smell of new leather, or suede, or the feel of silk or satin.  Mmmmm.

Of course, all these beautiful shoes require an equally stunning handbag or clutch to enable me to wear them with anything.  I have the theory that as long as I have a bag that matches, then I can wear the shoes with anything... jeans and a black top can be made fantabulous with a stunning bright pair of heels and a bag to tie it in.

It's just lucky for me that my favourite shoe shops and designers have sales regularly and there's a couple of outlet stores nearby.   Of course, going to the outlet stores is a danger in itself because I always get more than I went there for.

But at least I have something to show for my fits of emotional neediness, I guess.  A gorgeous shoe collection, that will always fit me.

I've lost my Christmas cheer.

That's if I ever really had it. To be honest, I was "over" Christmas by the time December graced us with her presence.

I know I should be excited for the kids, but when their Christmas is split between two homes, and I work right up to the end of Christmas eve, it just marks the first day where I can collapse in exhaustion and try to recover before having a week of rambunctious children rampaging through my house.

Then a few days respite (read: work) while they go to the beach with their father.

I need a holiday. Last one I had was in 2003 and I was six months pregnant and very travel sick. So that was a pleasant experience.

Some days I think that the only way I'll ever get a rest is to either run away from home, or get locked in a lovely white padded cell. Both options are looking tempting.

Being a Grown Up is lonely...

It's odd, being an only child I enjoy alone time, and having lots of kids, means that I actually crave that alone time, and yet, I find myself feeling most lonely when surrounded by others.

I don't mean the "I'm the only one with out a partner here" kind of lonely, that's a different feeling altogether.  I mean the disconnected and feeling like you're not really a part of what's going on around you sort of lonely.  I have had it my whole life, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one.  Most people feel at some time like they don't fit in. Like they're acting out a role in the play that is their life.

Me, I deal with that by bluffing.  I put on my heels, and my makeup, and do my hair, and wear the appropriate outfit... almost like putting on a costume.  But it's not a costume, it's my protection and bluff.  To keep the world from realising that I'm not the competent adult you see, but really just a little girl princess playing at being queen.  

I am still waiting to feel like a grown up on the inside.   One day, maybe.  Then again, that feeling may never come.  For all I know, there may be a whole world filled with little kids pretending to be grown ups as that's what is expected of them. 

Watch out for the Bridezillas.

I'm currently planning (sort of) my wedding with my fiancé.  Seriously with all the crap that everyone tells me I need to consider and arrange, it's enough to make a girl want to run away. I just do not comprehend the whole "Princess for a Day" it's "all about the bride" mentality of wedding planning.

When did weddings cease to be about two people making a commitment to spend their lives together and take the good with the bad, and become a three ring circus about spending a fortune on wedding dress, and inviting a gazillion people that they barely know simply to show them how happy they are and what a fortune they can spend on showing off about it?

Don't get me wrong, I love a beautiful wedding as much as the next person, and thoroughly enjoy attending them.  I just don't want one myself.  Nor do I want to have to plan it. What is so wrong about wanting a simple family ceremony with my soul mate, our children, and a couple of close friends to witness it.  Why is that considered less valid than an extravagent, stressful wedding?  Why can't a registry office wedding be special?

And what is with the comparisons and competition at "out-wedding" the next person.  Really, I am happy that you had the wedding of your dreams, and that it was everything you ever wanted, but why is my dream wedding unworthy simply because I have a different opinion on what's important on the day?

Aaarrrgh - shopping with kids. Need I say more?

Oh what joy... taking small people whitegood shopping.  Kill.  Me.  Now.

Aside from the complaining that we weren't in the arcade, the sulking about being told to stay by me, the complaining that they were starving (or that one got more to eat than the other), the trying to keep them off the ride on mower in store while I worked out the paperwork, and out of the front loading machines, or dryers....   I'm sure it would have been reasonably pleasant.  No, really, it was a lovely way to spend the afternoon.  Tripping over one who decided to do the splits right behind me while I was standing at a counter causing me to twist my ankle and jar my neck when I stepped back onto his foot while moving away from the counter was all part of the fun, and I'm sure one day I'll look back in fondness at the time spent with my babies.  But today it just all seems too hard.