I've lost my Christmas cheer.

That's if I ever really had it. To be honest, I was "over" Christmas by the time December graced us with her presence.

I know I should be excited for the kids, but when their Christmas is split between two homes, and I work right up to the end of Christmas eve, it just marks the first day where I can collapse in exhaustion and try to recover before having a week of rambunctious children rampaging through my house.

Then a few days respite (read: work) while they go to the beach with their father.

I need a holiday. Last one I had was in 2003 and I was six months pregnant and very travel sick. So that was a pleasant experience.

Some days I think that the only way I'll ever get a rest is to either run away from home, or get locked in a lovely white padded cell. Both options are looking tempting.

Being a Grown Up is lonely...

It's odd, being an only child I enjoy alone time, and having lots of kids, means that I actually crave that alone time, and yet, I find myself feeling most lonely when surrounded by others.

I don't mean the "I'm the only one with out a partner here" kind of lonely, that's a different feeling altogether.  I mean the disconnected and feeling like you're not really a part of what's going on around you sort of lonely.  I have had it my whole life, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one.  Most people feel at some time like they don't fit in. Like they're acting out a role in the play that is their life.

Me, I deal with that by bluffing.  I put on my heels, and my makeup, and do my hair, and wear the appropriate outfit... almost like putting on a costume.  But it's not a costume, it's my protection and bluff.  To keep the world from realising that I'm not the competent adult you see, but really just a little girl princess playing at being queen.  

I am still waiting to feel like a grown up on the inside.   One day, maybe.  Then again, that feeling may never come.  For all I know, there may be a whole world filled with little kids pretending to be grown ups as that's what is expected of them. 

Watch out for the Bridezillas.

I'm currently planning (sort of) my wedding with my fiancé.  Seriously with all the crap that everyone tells me I need to consider and arrange, it's enough to make a girl want to run away. I just do not comprehend the whole "Princess for a Day" it's "all about the bride" mentality of wedding planning.

When did weddings cease to be about two people making a commitment to spend their lives together and take the good with the bad, and become a three ring circus about spending a fortune on wedding dress, and inviting a gazillion people that they barely know simply to show them how happy they are and what a fortune they can spend on showing off about it?

Don't get me wrong, I love a beautiful wedding as much as the next person, and thoroughly enjoy attending them.  I just don't want one myself.  Nor do I want to have to plan it. What is so wrong about wanting a simple family ceremony with my soul mate, our children, and a couple of close friends to witness it.  Why is that considered less valid than an extravagent, stressful wedding?  Why can't a registry office wedding be special?

And what is with the comparisons and competition at "out-wedding" the next person.  Really, I am happy that you had the wedding of your dreams, and that it was everything you ever wanted, but why is my dream wedding unworthy simply because I have a different opinion on what's important on the day?

Aaarrrgh - shopping with kids. Need I say more?

Oh what joy... taking small people whitegood shopping.  Kill.  Me.  Now.

Aside from the complaining that we weren't in the arcade, the sulking about being told to stay by me, the complaining that they were starving (or that one got more to eat than the other), the trying to keep them off the ride on mower in store while I worked out the paperwork, and out of the front loading machines, or dryers....   I'm sure it would have been reasonably pleasant.  No, really, it was a lovely way to spend the afternoon.  Tripping over one who decided to do the splits right behind me while I was standing at a counter causing me to twist my ankle and jar my neck when I stepped back onto his foot while moving away from the counter was all part of the fun, and I'm sure one day I'll look back in fondness at the time spent with my babies.  But today it just all seems too hard.

An introduction and explanation of my blog...

Hmmm... I probably should say hello, but as nobody knows I have this blog, there's a good chance that nobody would read it, and there's even bigger chance that I'm simply talking to myself.  So perhaps just an explanation of why I call my blog Confessions from a Princess in Denial.

Being the only female in a house full of males, I have decided that if I can't make girls, then I at least get to be the only spoilt princess in the house.   And I am training my boys to understand this concept.  It is beyond my comprehension how the most girly girl on the planet ended up surrounded by testosterone.   I refuse to concede defeat though, and am still certain that I am in charge, and they will all bend to my will.  Hence the denial part. 

I do like the idea of being able to put my thoughts somewhere.  Anonymously (for the most part.) So we shall see how I go and if I have anything worth confessing.